A lesson learned...

Today I thought about my Granddaddy...Horace Floyd Swilley. I adore him. He adores me. I haven't seen him in almost 5 years. But, love transcends the veil of death and families are forever...or can be...and our love is rock solid. I miss him though. So much.

You see, I can't say I was his favorite because we all know there are no favorites but I will say with complete confidence that I was very very special to him...and he to me. He had a special reserved area in his heart for me and he spoiled me...in fact, almost always he gave me whatever I needed or even just desired without me even asking. Until one day. And I remember that day so clearly.

I stood in the dusty, cluttered office of H&S Oil and breathed in the tangy odor of gasoline and oil mixed with tires (I never smell that without thinking of him). My stomach was in knots. He ruled supreme in our lives....my parents provided the necessities but he filled in all the luxuries...he gave me my first car, he paid for me to go to an exclusive private college and paid extra for me to have a private room there, he bought my designer clothes and Germain Monteil make-up(shut your mouth, I once had fashion sense and wore makeup!) and even though my daddy sent a generous allowance, Granddaddy often slipped me cash. I did say I was spoiled, right?
Well that day I was a nervous wreck because I was getting ready to disappoint him...AGAIN. I had followed my heart and soul and joined the Church that summer and now, late in the fall of the same year, I was about to tell him I was leaving for Utah in December. Hmmm. I was more than nervous, I was scared. I had rehearsed it in my mind and knew I had to do it so I did..."Granddaddy I got accepted at BYU and I've made all the financial arrangements and I'm leaving the day after Christmas and driving out there and I know it's a long way but I'm going anyway." He looked up at me from his old desk chair. His eyes narrowed and my stomach flipped. "Sit down Libbi and let's talk about this." I knew what was coming...a loud lecture and probably a strong word or two and in the end he'd win and I'd never get to BYU (at least so I thought...I'll never know, will I?) so I made the stupidest mistake of my 18 years.
I stood tall and said, "Granddaddy, there's NOTHING to talk about. I am 18 years old and I am an adult and I have made an adult decision and we don't have to talk about it. I have the money. Bubba got me that federal grant and it will pay for BYU and I have it all figured out. I don't need anything. I can work when I get out there and it will be fine. It's MY life and MY decision and time for me to spread my wings and fly on my own strength. I am an adult."
I braced for the onslaught. It didn't come. I realized my eyes were tightly closed and my fists were clenched. I opened my eyes.
What? Grandaddy was playing solitaire. He looked up and said, "okay then, fly away."
I couldn't believe it...no lecture...no screaming...no nothing...I had won..so easily. Hmh! Piece of cake.
I kissed him and ran out into the sunshine and clean air. I think I ran...maybe I flew. I WAS AN ADULT...I had stood up to GRANDDADDY and I HAD WON!!!! Yay me!

The euphoria lasted through the holidays and I was halfway to Utah before it hit me. Granddaddy hadn't once slipped me a 5 or a 10 or a 20...certainly not the $100 bill he usually did at the beginning of a semester. I thought about that in the ice storm in Dallas when I had to talk the highway patrolman into letting me continue driving on the interstate ON A SHEET OF ICE because I didn't have enough money for a hotel. I thought about it again when the heater in my pinto quit working...but a trucker was kind enough to put some cardboard in front of my radiator and I finally limped into the valley..broke, cold, hungry and not a bit humbled! not even the next morning when my car was towed for parking in the wrong place (this is ZION...isn't everyone here sweet and loving and willing to SERVE ME?????) not exactly.

I got my financial aid grant and a job as a waitress and got my car back and did well. for about a year and then I was homesick and sick sick (same respiratory trouble as LaNelle..Utah just doesn't LIKE our lungs) and I finally came home...older but no wiser. Granddaddy hugged me hard and then he said, "You through flying?" I narrowed my eyes, "Not really. I want to work fulltime. I'll go to college at night. I've got it all figured out. I'm an adult. I asked Bubba to get me a job for the state and he did." He nodded. No argument at all.

It was tough going and soon I was head over heels in debt. I knew my Granddaddy had bankrolled my cousins out of debt more than a few times. I stood again in that same dusty, cluttered office and staring at the plaque Floyd had made that said Horace F Swilley...Hanging Judge (he was a magistrate now, and would soon be elected Sheriff) told him I needed help and explained about the credit cards. (Even adults need help sometimes, right?) I smiled when he nodded. "Of course I'll help you...that's what families do." Whew! But what was this? He wasn't opening that humongous safe or even writing a check...he was on the phone with Mr Shiny! (who owned Keenan Oil Company in Columbia and all the 'Gaz Bahs')

He looked up and smiled. "Okay, it's all settled. You can start at the Gaz Bah on St Andrews Road Monday. I told him you get off work at 4:30 so you'll work 5-10 pm and I asked him to let you have Sundays off for Church. It shouldn't take but about a year to get those debts cleared." I looked for signs of this being a joke but he was dead serious. I swallowed. Hard.

"Granddaddy, I can't do that. I go to school at night. I only have one year left of college. You know you want me to graduate. Can't you just give me the money? If I have a second job, I won't be able to finish school. Why are you doing this?" He actually looked sad but then his eyes turned cold (actually, I now know he was trying not to let me see this was KILLING him). He said the one sentence I have heard in my head every since..."Because, Libbi, that's how ADULTS pay their bills. They work."

I was mad for awhile but eventually I got over it and knew he had a point. I adored him and he adored me and even this didn't change that. I dropped out of school and worked and paid off the debts and then I got married and had a million kids and paid alot of bills and finally made it back to college. I graduate with my BSN in March. I wish he could be there...funny thing is, he would have been 30 years ago if I'd only thought to say, "I'm sorry, I was wrong."

But, I was too busy being an adult.