he was 10 and healthy and happy and oh so sweet. then, all of a sudden on Tuesday he was sick but still smiling and precious with a great Mom and Dad. he was diagnosed on Wednesday and had surgery and went to the floor...and then back to the PICU on Thanksgiving night because he was getting worse. Now, he was scared and very sick but still polite and kind, smiling up at us full of faith. we asked Mom to step out so we could intubate in an effort to help...we explained to our little man and he nodded. he knew he was growing tired and trusted us to help him. we were confident but we had no idea how sick he was, no idea at all. it was a shock when a few minutes later we were in serious trouble...we worked diligently for hours, in shock...this could NOT be happening. but it was. the room grew crowded with helpers but we knew by midnight and we worked in silence, unshed tears making throats raw, urgency making hearts race. I gathered the family into a conference room and stood with our attending while he told them of our struggle and our fears and we promised to keep trying and left them to return to the mortal struggle but within an hour...
the attending listened intently with his stethoscope for minutes while the crowded room held its collective breath. he looked up at me and I looked at the clock. we nodded and noted the exact time.
the charge nurse and the attending walk in silence down a hall that will not end toward a tearful and terrified family. They frantically search our faces for hope but we have none to give.
screams,
heartrending agonizing sobs,
catch mom and ease her to the floor
and quick,
catch Dad too and slide with him to the ground
kneel on the cold floor to offer comfort where none can be had
We lost.
It wasn't our fault...we had no chance against the silent deadly invader that had probably been at work for years destroying this beautiful boy. But...he trusted me and I cannot forget his smile.
9 comments:
May we never forget the blessing of life. I am thankful for your stories which remind me of the love we all share and how grateful I am for eternal families. As I read I thought of the song..Have I done any good in the world today, Have I helped anyone in need.... I know you gave them the comfort they so needed at such a moment.
- Libbi I don't ever know what to write after your stories - they always make me cry. :*(
Well...I did not need to read that first thing this morning..the tears have come too easily. I know you were there for them and helped them thru that horrible moment of pain which for them is only the beginning. How grateful I am for eternal families and for nurses like you who can handle the emotions of working in your unit. I love you!
I apologize if it makes you sad or seems inappropriate for the season...makes me sad too but I try to document so I will not forget. And it helps me to write but maybe I should put in the title...SKIP THIS!!! I always have Noah in my heart on nights like that!!!
Wow! That really makes one think...Life is so fragile and dispensible and evaporates so quickly. We should all take care to make sure we are showing love to the ones we care about the most because you never know when they'll be taken.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
I'm so glad that there are people out there like you that are strong enough to handle experiences like that. It makes me so greatful that my family is healthy and it helps to remind me to cherish every moment I have with them.
How sad! I wish children would never get sick and would never die. Its just so heartbreaking.
It is great that you document these experiences, and you really are a writer. I just pretend. It was a tragic story, but real, and it really does make us all count our blessings, and hug our children, and our loved ones and thank Heavenly Father for one more day...
Thank you Libbi for sharing your experiences as difficult as they are. I never doubt that if anything could have been done, YOU would have done it. I love you!
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