A daughter is a daughter all the days...

The old saying is...

A daughter is a daughter all the days of her life

but

A son's only a son till he takes a wife!

Not so sure that's EXACTLY true but there is a lot of truth in that statement and it seems the scriptures back it up...

At the creation of man and woman, unity for them in marriage was not given as hope; it was a command! ‘Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh’ (Genesis 2:24). Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1998, 85; or Ensign, May 1998, 66).

Nothing said about the daughter leaving her family ok ok ok I KNOW every word doesn't have to be spelled out to me and a daughter DOES have to cleave unto her husband and forsake her family..jk jk jk

Anyway...I've been thinking about this a lot...maybe because Peter is engaged and Andrew is in love...I expect to love my daughters-in-law and I expect they will love me. I expect we will have joyous times together and share in each others' lives. I expect this because

A) it is the realtionship I have had with my mother-in-law

and

B) I have had good examples of how to treat daughters-in-law (and sons-in-law also)

and

C) As much as I adore the Sheridan Seven, I truly WANT them to be independent and cleave unto their spouses and will do all I can to support them in those efforts.

I wasn't always so sure of that...ask poor Kyle. He has a forgiving nature because I was interfering and just plain rude...before their marriage, I did get my act together by the time they were married but I still cringe at how bad my behavior was to him and am so thankful he understood I was worried about my girl and that I loved her and so he forgave me...before I even asked, I might add. It was a huge learning experience.

Y'all might disagree with me...you have that right, for sure! You may think this is bunk (so quit reading it then!) but here's some things I've learned from being the parent of adult children (and most were taught to me by my own parents, grandparents and in-laws)...I am not perfect but in our family (extended included) we are close...ridiculously close...wonderfully close...but we do NOT breathe down each other's necks...or interfere...so rule number one is

1) Let go. You raised them. IF they ask for your advice, be gracious but otherwise...they have been taught correct principles...let them govern themselves. You can pray (and pray and pray some more), you can bite your tongue...but this is THEIR life and they will most likely choose differently than you..not WRONG, just different. So? They'll make mistakes. So? They will be ok. They had good parents. Relax and enjoy these new adult friends...you are no longer responsible for their every action.

2) They have been commanded to leave their parents and cleave unto each other. If you ask them to do ANYTHING that might weaken that bond or make them in any way feel they are disloyal to you when they choose their spouse, you are breaking a serious commandment. SERIOUSLY, you are. You are still their family and if you behave, they will love you and WANT to be with you but their very first priority is to their spouse...not you or their siblings. Do not make them choose. In fact, if they seem to be leaning more toward you, send them back where they belong...refer them to their spouse...let them vent if they must but do NOT put weight on their words (I will not listen if my kids want to bash their spouses and they KNOW I will only back up my sons-in-law...physical abuse would be the only disclaimer here)...refer them always back to their spouse for advice and support. Sometimes, they will both come, as one (which they are) and that is different. Now you get the sweet sweet chance to guide this young couple but be very very wary of advising one without the other, especially in the early years when they need to lean on each other to cement that relationship...they are one...by commandment of GOD! help them get there...do not hinder them.

3) Love your new child. We always say we don't do in-laws...and we don't. We joyfully accept our children's spouses as our own children. I pray over them and worry for them and spoil them and (yes on the 4th of July) I even lose my temper and YELL at them as if they were my own...for they are, but at the end of the day, I respect the heck out of these awesome young adults and just marvel at how they add to our family...funny, my middle kids were saying the other day they have no memory of Heather without Kyle so he truly is their brother. I remember feeling like if my mom had to choose, she might choose Pete over me...and LaNelle once said something similar...YAY! that's the goal. (not true, of course but it is the goal to have them be the same in your heart because they are ONE). I have a friend that goes out of her way to buy special things for her children's spouses...and another who has NEVER EVER said an unkind thing about one...they are simply her children.

4) Apologize and mean it! I have a big mouth (surprise I'm sure!!) and I say hateful hurtful things sometimes. It is so important then to go to the child and apologize..sincerely...not placing any of the blame on them but accepting complete responsibility and trying my best to make amends...and sometimes, we just have to be patient and wait for them to see we mean it and it will not be repeated.

5) Welcome them home ANYTIME but do not be greedy or expect every holiday will be like it was before they were married. Share. Let them choose or make it easy. Hold family councils...ask what they prefer to do...have your holiday a day or week earlier or later. Take turns. WHATEVER...just make it easy on them. When home is peaceful and fun, welcoming and accepting...your grown up children will want to come home. I can hear my Ninna in my head saying, "Come home when you can" and realize that my stepmom says that everytime I hang up the phone or say goodbye "Y'all come when you can"...they are really saying, "We love you, we want to see you but we acknowledge you have a seperate life..just know we are here and are always glad to see you." No pressure...just love.

Most of all, set an example of righteous living by deed and not word. (OK OK I am not there yet but I AM working on this!!!)

I am not saying I know it all nor that I always do all of these things but I do believe they are pretty good things. (Mostly I am thinking of how I have been treated by my family and Pete's family) I do know one truth and that is that we are commanded to be one with our spouse and forsake all others (yes, girlfriends included...maybe) for that relationship. If we truly love our kids, we'll sacrifice so they can have that righteous eternal relationship with the one they chose (emphasis on THEY CHOSE...somehow they seem to pick the ones perfect for them...thanks to grandma's prayers!!)

these are the things I think about while keeping the hearts beating in the Peds ICU all night!!!

p.s. thanks Mom and Dad for teaching me these things!!!